I'm Just Looking!

This second installment of my informative meaning-of-life/useless-but-nonetheless-important-stuff diatribe will, as is implied with the above photo, regard the purchase of new or used cars. I am a veteran of the auto industry having sold Nissans from Dec 2001 to Aug 2002 - What's funny is that that statement isn't even so obviously arrogant if you do a little research an realize the turn-over rate in the car sales business is a full notch above crack whore-ing. Anyhoo, I was a crappy salesman because I talked too much and I had a really hard time lying. Needless to say I know more about cars and car sales than anyone you ever met...yesterday.

Step 1: www.edmunds.com and www.carsdirect.com are your friends. In fact, it's a mystery to this young French-Canadian-American why these two websites don't have some kind of affiliate program, I've sent them so many damn folk. They're great websites for general automotive info and for competitive pricing and in that order.

Step 2: Know yourself. After perusing some general information and dipping your toe of curiosity into the cool but refreshing pool of automotive enlightenment ("pool of car" doesn't have the same ring) you must write down a short list of cars that you really like. If you can't think of three to five cars right now then you're not ready.

The reason I demand this short list is simply because when you find yourself in front of Johnny/Ahmed/Roberto Salesman and you don't know pretty much exactly what you're looking for, he'll quickly lead you to the Teal '93 Ford Taurus LX of your liking - unless you actually want a Teal '93 Ford Taurus LX, in which case he'll quickly lead you to a much more auspicious '91 Oldsmobile Eighty Eight.

Step 3: Now that you understand the importance of a short list of applicable autos you can write them down. What? You don't know what you want? Lemme guess you like the new Hybrid Chevy Suburban with built in toilet/Big-Oil Apologist? I bet you do. Answering these few questions will help you prioritize.

a. Are you single? If so, do you drive friends around a lot? Are you married with no other mode of transportation? If you answered yes to the last two, then you'll need a 4 door.

b. Do you have a whole bunch of cash but rent an apt? Great, use the cash and forego financing with payments and interest and all that evil shit. Are you a homeowner with a bit of equity but your "fun money" is located in a piggy bank? Then use an equity line of credit. Alas, I'm jumping ahead but there's a reason: New or Used.

c. Do you insist on new car smell, drive 3 miles to work and never leave "The Valley." If you have reasonably good credit, you can probably lease a whole variety of spanking new vehicles. If not, then you should pretty much get used to the term pre-owned. More on that later.

d. Do you like SUV's cause there safe? And are they safe because you "can see what's in front" of you? Do you live in the mountains or drive less than 10 miles to work? Ok that's cool, it's just that the very biggest SUV isn't any safer than a large safe car and if you want to see better there are plenty of SUV-like cars that sit up a little higher than most - most Subaru's, the Ford Five Hundred and Mercury Montego are examples. I'm not anti-SUV, I'm just anti-asshole. It's ultimately a choice of taste.

e. Do you know what colors you absolutely don't want? Good, I like black too but it's so flippin hot in the Summer. I don't care if you live in Reykjavik....

...see no black cars in Iceland either!

f. Do you give a shit about the environment/Do you live in LA and commute? Cool, so do I...kinda. If you commute in LA, then you're short list is already decided:

-Honda Civic Hybrid (underdog)

-Toyota Prius (usually overpriced)

-Honda Insight (seats 2)

Cause you can drive those cars in the carpool lane all by your lonesome and you'll contribute to smog forming pollutants about the same as 10 packs of Lucky Strikes smoked. You can even smoke those same cigarettes while driving the carpool lane and flip off that guy who bought the Suburban you thought you wanted.

g. Do you care about anything about how "cool" your car is? Like this cool....?

and are you this guy?

h. Do you care about going "fast?" On a scale of 1 to 10. Do you care about a 6? Good

i. Your short list is a Toyota Camry. It gets good gas mileage either whether or not you go with the 4 or 6 cylinder. There's room for the kids/family/girlfriend/dog/groceries and most likely will prove to be very reliable. As a backup, you can also write down Honda Accord. There you go, pretty much the only cars every American "needs."

It's not always about what you need folks, but it starts there. Yes we'd all be perfectly satisfied with a reliable economical Japanese sedan, but we'd secretly be yearning for that sexy little Lotus; wishing for some kind of way of driving both at the same time. Well, there is and it's called a BMW 530, except that's not very reliable and can be really damn expensive. Okay, well there's the Mazda Mazdaspeed 6. That's fast, relatively reliable, and kinda fits five people. Shit, but it's only a manual. Ok so you end up working your way down to a '95 Ford Escort Wagon with those automatic seatbelts that decapitate or strangle you as you enter the car. Then the tears start forming.

j. Instead, just answer these:

-How many people/seats?

-How many mpgs?

-How reliable (how long will I be driving it?)

-How safe?

-How much (money do I already have?)

-Do I like looking at it from the driver's seat?

Step 4. Once you've made your short list of 3-5 vehicles, go drive them. I'll be honest with you folks, this blog is killing me. I'm trying to give you information you haven't heard a gavrillion times before and I'm realizing this is the same shit advice every other driveway mechanic imparts. Of course you're going to test drive, but I mean you really have to DRIVE the crap out of these cars. A good salesman will talk little during the test drive so as to let you form an emotional response to the car. The one's that get nervous and start chatting you up like a twelve year old decorating their brand new 'Sidekick,' need to be stopped in their tracks. After setting foot on the lot, actually pretty much as you're pulling up to the dealership trying to find a parking spot, (This part's fun cause you get to see the collection of shitboxes the salesman drive,) there will be four or five "professional sales consultants" smoking, drinking coffee, and calling out the color and make of your car as to claim their 'deal:' Blue ford coming in. Red Hyundai parking...and so on. The handshake starts about 35 feet from the doorway - which is really awkward as it forces you to kinda walk more quickly to them even as you'd rather stop and peruse the car window-stickers.

"Hey folks, Welcome to..." This is where you jump in with, "I'm just looking!"

"Uh, that's great maybe I can help you with..."

Okay first things first. Of course you're just looking. They know you know it and you should know that they know you know because if you do know then you don't have to say it, you know? Ha HA, no really. Just toss that bit of defensive bullshit from your conversational palette and instead tell them the exact make & model you'd like to, "Take a look at and test drive." This is a win-win folks. It puts them at ease, even if it instills a false sense of security before the verbal pouncing that comes later and it cuts short the annoying small talk.

Make sure you take a friend with you; spouse, platonic friend, sibling, pets (small dogs are great cause they can aggravate the living F out of prospective sales people.) Meeting the salesman can be seen as going on a terrible date where you have a friend call with a code word to come in for the rescue or not. Sales people call these folk, the "Third party buyer." Their the schmucks who don't spend any of their own money or actually risk anything but they tend to be the decision maker just as much as the actual customer...you. So bring that chintzy cheap-ass friend of yours along. The less they know about automobiles the better. Their mere presence can knock $500 off the MSRP.

Step 5. Toss market value out the window or MSRP or whatever the dealer decides to refer to the price of the vehicle as. Yes, there is an aggregate average that most people pay for certain cars but you can be that a-hole that gets the car for next to nothing if you have the patience. Often these folk are referred to as "grinders" or "grinds" cause they grind the price and will of the salesman down to nothing. It's here whereupon I introduce you to the true culprit of price gouging...the desk manager:

If you've met or are meeting this guy it's because the salesman can't stand you, knows you're leaving, or is about to get fired. He, or sometimes she, comes in portraying the role of the savior coming to set it all down in "simple English" or "language you understand" or "(insert condescending phrase here.)" If you meet this guy right after the test drive, that's not a bad sign. It means you sufficiently convinced the sales person that you, indeed, are just looking. If the issue of price has already come up, the desk manager can often be over heard quoting how popular the car you just drove is, or how rare it is to find a white '98 Buick Regal. Gimme a flippin flapjack Captain Schmegma! (That's what you're thinking) This tactic only serves to reinforce the reasoning for such things as "market adjustments." Sometimes these adjustments are almost valid - ie. Any diesel car in CA, or any new model hybrid and sometimes they are truly ridiculous - ie. In 2000 some people in LA were paying $10K OVER MSRP for brand new PT Cruisers. Which brings me to my next, and previous, point.

Step 6. If you're not leasing a new car, then you might as well buy a used car. I won't go into all the reasons save one. It's so much cheaper. Unless you absolutely don't care because you have a wallet full of "I gots to have it now," you're pretty much guaranteed to save a couple thousand dollars if you were to purchase a car that's one or two model years old. Often, these cars come a with a certified "pre-owned" warranty that's as good or better than the original and

competitive financing rates if you're not buying outright.

Step 7. Bring paper work and a calculator but only when you're willing to sit down for a couple hours drinking shitty de-caf. Let's say you already checked out carsdirect.com and you figured out how much people actually pay for that beautiful 2002 Hyundai Sonota, make sure you also printed out the TMV or true market value page and highlighted the price. It's not that I want you to harass the dealer. These are merely practical props in the sketch comedy show that is your automobile purchase. They clue in the sales staff to not waste time with obsequious pleasantries like smiling or verbal communication. Often these website print-outs will have ads adjacent to the vehicle pricing and sometimes these ads are for other competing dealerships. If $620 a month for a $18,000 Altima with $5,000 down isn't to your liking, you can always remind Johnny/Ahmed/Roberto that Brauwnose Motors in Springfield can get you the same car for $16,500 and at half that $620 payment. That reminds me.

Step 8. Know your damn credit score. When the finance guy hits you with a 8.75% rate for 60 months on that Hybrid Suburban with built-in Toilet/Big-Oil Apologist that you bought brand new - ignoring my earlier advice - you can tell him to shove that Krispy Kreme bear claw up his well-shorn rear end. The reasoning: since you checked your credit score online prior to setting foot on the 14th ring of purgatory that is your local Auto Mart, you know that a 740 FICO is worth a better rate. In fact, since your "friend" Damian informed you that most finance officers are empowered by various banks to add as much as 3.0% on top of the best rate you qualify for, then you realize that that 8.75% should be as little as 5.75% or less. As long as you've made it clear to your sales buddie's (after all, you're all good friends now after having negotiated a good price and stress-induced higher cholesterol level to boot) what price you expect for that car and at what interest rate you'd expect you could qualify for then never fear walking out of there at any moment. You shouldn't ever have to and I don't really recommend it but never never fear the prospect of having to stand up and say, "That's okay, maybe I didn't make it clear what it was I wanted. Thanks for your time."

Step 9. Relax, think about Dogs wearing camo and don't look back....

Step 10. Comment below. Tell me how wonderful I am and how much you enjoy run-on

sentences and vague attempts at thematic throughline.

Step 11. If you want to avoid steps 2-8 as well as 10, you can just request to make an appointment with any dealer's internet or "fleet" department. They're used to picky, cheap-ass, net-savvy jackasses like you and me.